Confessions: We want to have a baby

This post has been a long time coming but I've struggled with putting everything into words. I'm pretty open about us wanting to have kids and some of the struggles we've had, but I haven't written about it on my blog. I feel that's a very different kind of open. I am willing to share all about the activities we do and random things that I'm thinking about, but something so personal and raw is rough for me. It's been heavy on my heart lately and I've felt the nudge to share, so here goes nothing!

Mark and I have been trying to have a baby for almost two years now. We haven't had the opportunity every month for the two years though.  Mark's awesome busy schedule takes him out of San Diego for weeks and sometimes months on end. Plus, I've had some health stuff going on which makes it even harder to get pregnant. I don't know if I'm ready to share all of that... one day. Just know that I am seeing a doctor and we working on these issues. With all that being said, there hasn't been a month where I've stopped wanting a baby. Even without the option to try, my heart still hurts every. single. month.

This is the time in our lives when everyone around us is having a baby. I am still overjoyed for all those people but it does sting a little to know that it hasn't happened for us. Everyone has their own journey and their own struggles and I would never want to take away their happiness. I just want to join them in this new phase of life.

The biggest blessing in our long road is that the Lord has drawn us closer to Him in a way that we've never. He has also drawn Mark and I closer to each other. Oh man, here come the waterworks for me... Thank the Lord you guys can't see me as I type lol. He has brought so many incredible people into my life (& into Mark's) who have supported us every step of the way, constantly giving us encouragement and uplifting us when it feels like a baby will never come. I know that he knows our hearts' desire and one way or another we will have a precious little one. The waiting it just the really crappy part. Who likes to wait?? lol... not me!

Some days are much harder than others, especially when people say things like, "You just need to relax." Oh man, if I hear that one more time I will scream. I know that people just don't know how to respond but trust me, that's not even close. At this point, relaxing is not going to help. I'm guessing what people really mean is to "relax" and not put too much stress on yourself. I agree with that but when it becomes an infertility issue, relaxing and just "having fun" isn't our answer. I hope that doesn't sound harsh, but it's extremely frustrating when you hear it for the 100th time. If you know someone struggling with similar things, praying for them and just listening are sometimes the best things you can do.

I wish I could say, "SURPRISE, our waiting is over!" but unfortunately that's not the case. We are still praying every day and have faith that it will happen. I know that it's not in my timing but in His timing and man oh man that's hard. The Lord is teaching me so much about control. Apparently, I'm really bad at letting go of it!

I know this must sound like a downer of a post but I'm really writing this as an encouragement. I know what you're thinking... "An encouragement??? You just said you have been trying for a long time and it hasn't happened!" Yeah, I know... here's what I really mean to say: If you are in the trenches when it comes to wanting a baby (or wanting anything else in your life), take comfort in knowing that there are people who are in the trenches with you. Everyone has their "stuff" as I call it, which basically means we all have areas of struggle in our lives. What gives me comfort is knowing that we aren't on this journey alone. We have family and friends who support us and more importantly I know the Lord is with us every step of the way.

I read something (can't remember where lol) about how the Bible doesn't say we won't face hardships or stressful situations. What it does say, is how to deal with those hard times. We need to put our trust in Him, so that is what we are doing. Even though we may fail a lot some days and there have been more tears than I can count, I know that it will all be made perfect in His timing.