Season of Waiting

I truly feel that this season in our life is about waiting. My word for the year should have been patience lol but I also don't want to be patient any more. It's like the childish side of myself comes out and I just want to stomp my feet and throw a tantrum. Anyone else been there?? It's not helpful to react in that way or to react at all. I know this, but I still find those moments where I want to scream.

There are other times when I am so grateful for what we have. I am so grateful for the time spent together as husband and wife without kiddos around. I'm so thankful for the flexibility that allows for last minute plans and random nights out with friends. I look at my life and think, I am so blessed. I have incredible people around me, a husband who is literally the best, a job I love, a business that I am so passionate about, and I live in San Diego. How can I complain right?? But then, this feeling of something missing comes over me. I feel like there is a part of my life that hasn't started, even though I've wanted it to for so long. I wonder if that part will ever be filled or maybe it's just not in the cards for us. That feeling is so hard. It like a wave of hurt that just breaks my heart and it's painful to even type those words.

There are moments in prayer when I get so frustrated and just want to know why. Why is this our path? Why couldn't it just be easy like it is for so many? Or why couldn't things have worked when we found what the issue was/is and fixed it?? At the same time, I know that every single person has some struggle, whether they admit it or not. It may not be with trying to conceive, it may be with their marriage, job, family, lack of joy, etc. We all have something and I think it helps us connect to others to be able to relate.

I've actually reconnected with some many old friends and even met new friends by sharing this struggle. I've talked about this before, but bringing light to this darkness in my life, has been a good thing. People are so kind and just want you to know that they love you and are constantly thinking of you. The kindness and generosity makes me cry and thank the Lord for their compassionate hearts.

So, do we still desire to have a baby? Yes, more than anything. Do I still have hope that it will happen? Yes, every single day, even when I have those moments of hopelessness. We will just continue to wait and follow the path that the Lord has set before us. If you're also in this season, just know that there are people who are in the trenches with you. We get you, we pray for you, and we want things to change for you as well.