How Infertility Feels

Since last week was Infertility Awareness Week, I wanted to write a post about what it feels like to deal with infertility. Well, I have I sat down to write this post about a dozen times and I'm just really struggling to get all the words out. I'm determined to finish this today though, so bare with me as I stumble through what exactly it is that I want to share. 

Sometimes I feel like infertility is this endless cycle of emotions and it's hard to convey that to others.  I'm going to do my best to give you a snapshot of what infertility has felt like for me.  

Infertility feels...

helpless

tiring

hopeful

guilty

wrong

unfair

intrusive
encouraging

lonely

exhausting

insightful

long
numbing

painful

invasive

confusing

discouraging
barren
expectant
sad

Did you notice that some of these words contradict the others? Yep, that's how confusing and strange infertility can feel. There are some days when I am super positive and hopeful about what the future holds. I pray constantly and cling to the Bible truths. I believe the kind words and reassurances that my friends and family tell me. I smile and feel happiness for those around me who have been blessed with kids. I attend baby showers (heck I even plan them), kids' birthdays, buy baby presents (who doesn't love baby clothes??), listen intently and ask my pregnant friends questions, etc and do it all knowing that one day I will be right there with them.

Then there are other days when I just feel so disheartened by our circumstances. That deep longing to have a family is like a wound that is constantly reopened. I feel exhausted by "faking it" or pretending that everything is okay. I just want to curl up into a ball and just escape from everything. This isn't all the time but just on especially hard days, like the negative pregnancy test days. I've seen so many of those little "negative" tests that I will probably have a heart attack when it finally says "positive."

What's even harder about all of this is when someone tries to tell you what you're doing wrong. Man that hurts. I already feel like it's my fault that I am going through all this. Then someone gives you a suggestion to take something out of your diet or stop doing something, like that is the reason for my infertility. It's just a swift kick to the stomach, because trust me I've already tried those things and low and behold, they didn't magically fix me ;) . Guilt plays a large part in how I feel and I just don't need more of that. I know it mostly comes from a good place but it's just not helpful. I've read so much about my infertility issues and I have the BEST doctors, so I'm truly doing everything I can.

I've spoken pretty openly about what we are going through because I honestly believe it's better to bring light to these situations. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me or to worry about me. I just want people to be aware of what other couples may be facing or if you're also struggling, then you know there is someone having your same feelings. Maybe infertility isn't your struggle but you face anxiety issues or you are battling something else in your life. Whatever it is, sharing it with someone will relieve some of that burden and allow you to feel lighter in the midst of your journey.

Also, I truly believe in the power of prayer. So even though I don't want you to pity me, I will always take your prayers. There are many of you out there who have been praying for me since day one and I cannot thank you enough. You've held my hand, attended appointments with me, listened to me cry, listen to me rant about yet again another ultrasound, and complain about how much it all costs. You are my people and I will be forever grateful for your support. One day I will tell Baby Bradford how you were there for her (I think we will have a girl lol) mommy and daddy.

To my husband- you are my rock and have listened to every single thought I've had about this subject, and let's be real... I talk a lot :)  You've never diminished my feelings or made me feel bad about my body and what it can/ can't do. You ask me questions and just hug me when I'm feeling too sad to talk.  You're my rock and my biggest supporter. My constant guide back to God when I am too angry to pray. You're going to be the best dad one day.

**I'm so very thankful that there is a computer screen between us so you don't have to see me ugly cry! :)

Thank you for reading this and being apart of my journey. If you want to read any more about our infertility season, click this link.